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Lying is like 95% of what I do. But believe me: in this book, I’ll let you know exactly how to become a master spy just like me. Obviously, you won’t be as good at it as I am, but that’s because you’re you, and I’m Sterling Archer.
I know, I know, it sucks not being me.
But don’t beat yourself up about it, because I’m going to show you all the good stuff—what to wear; what to drink; how to seduce women (and, when necessary, men); how to beat up men (and, when necessary, women); how to tell the difference between call girls and hookers (hint: when they’re dead, they’re just hookers) and everything about weapons, secret devices, lying ex-girlfriends, and turtlenecks. In a word? How to Archer.
- Sales Rank: #7003 in Books
- Model: 9780062066312
- Published on: 2012-01-17
- Released on: 2012-01-17
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 8.25" h x .48" w x 5.50" l, .50 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 192 pages
From the Back Cover
Hi. I see you’re reading the back of my book. This tells me that you either:
A) are hoping to find a brief summary of what to expect from a how-to book by Sterling Archer, the world’s greatest secret agent, or B) don’t know how books work.
If your answer was “A,” your best bet is probably the table of contents, which is where you’ll find the “contents” of this book listed in a convenient, easy-to-read “table” format. So maybe go check that out for a minute and then come back here. I’ll wait. . . .
Pretty cool, right? What other book will teach you how to dress properly and how to drive an elephant? How to field strip an AK-47 and how to haggle with a Thai prostitute—in her native tongue? How to pilot an airboat and how to make about a million delicious cocktails, including a Molotov one? How to kill a guy and how to prepare a fabulous brunch? Plus how to do tons of other stuff that I forgot, but that is nonetheless probably in this book (which, to be honest, I really only kinda skimmed).
So if you want to learn more about how to be more—or at all—like Sterling Archer, the world’s greatest secret agent, quit smearing your greasy fingerprints all over this book and buy it. For one thing, I really need the royalties. For another thing, the last time I checked, this wasn’t a damn library.
(Note: If your answer was “B,” this probably isn’t the book you want to start with.)
About the Author
Sterling Archer is the world’s greatest secret agent and nowalso probably a bestselling author. A world-class cocksmanand former all-conference preparatory school lacrosse player,he divides his time among New York City, Monte Carlo, theOrient, several of the classier islands of the Caribbean, andGstaad. This is his first book.
Most helpful customer reviews
110 of 115 people found the following review helpful.
Are the Bad Reviews Factually Incorrect? Also, Yes.
By Kirk Starr
I admit to being an enormous Archer fan, but I still would never give a poorly written stack of regurgitated jokes five stars. This book delivers the laughs, especially if you know anything about the show. Which I do.
But, humor being completely subjective, I still feel compelled to at least dispel a couple shameful myths put forth by other reviewers.
MYTH: "...three out of four jokes are ripped word for word from episodes of Archer..."
FACT: Let's do some math, shall we? Archer states at the start of the book that he's contractually obligated to produce a manuscript of no shorter than 30,000 words and will, therefore, deliver a manuscript of precisely 30,000 words. As I read the book the second time, I highlighted every word I could find that either retold a joke from the show or even so much as referred to a joke from the show. I even highlighted Alex Karras (whom Lana mentions in Archer S1 E10) even though the joke about him is completely different. Total word count on reused jokes: 322. That's 1.073%. So, essentially, the book is 99% new content.
MYTH: This book "substitute[s] rehashed dry jokes for actual information" and is "not much of a guide to anything."
FACT: This is a book by Sterling Archer, so if you're expecting an encyclopedia on the finer points of covert ops, you haven't been paying attention. Spoiler Alert: you won't actually learn how to become an international spy by reading this book. That said, unless you already know the recipe for Green Russians, or the proper way to prepare Eggs Woodhouse, or how to say "Would you like to have sex with me?" in 17 languages (including Portuguese, of course), then I can assure you this book has plenty to teach you.
For example, from the section on page 19 regarding the martial art of Savate:
"Savate is French for 'face kick.' And while the French have a reputation for being effeminate... I think this is unfair. Because they also have...the French Foreign Legion. So the next time you're feeling adventurous, walk into a bar in Algiers and call a Legionnaire a putain de merde. Then walk outside and feel around in the sand with your hands, trying to find your head."
Not the greatest advice, but at least you learned something (and I bet you laughed, too).
1 of 1 people found the following review helpful.
Tip after tip after tip. Phrasing anyone?
By Starbuck
So I was trapped on a roof in some god forsaken country where I couldn't even find a decent prostitute. I was pinned down taking fire and I realized I had worn my slightly less black tactical turtleneck and instantly thought "WWSAD?." Well one he would have packed a back up flask cause I was coming back down fast from lack of Johnny Walker Blue. Second I needed a OUT and jumped on Amazon and ordered How to Archer. After having the book airdropped on to the roof I peruse the pages, just hoping these sacks of dicks would run out of ammo! No luck, so I used a little move and turned myself in, and letting mother just pay a ransom. Following archers tip...ha phrasing...I jumped on a plane to what I can only describe as "Whore Island", in reality it was a small island off of Spain, maybe the Canary Islands? Lots of Germans...just saying WWII, these jerks were riddled with Nazis...now just filthy with nude beaches. In short I was drunk when I bought it, drunk when I read it, drunk right now. So do yourself a favor, get two stiff fingers, boom goes the phrasing, and order this bad boy up. Sorry about the missing chapter, you will know and blame that woman at the publishing house, not Archer.
2 of 2 people found the following review helpful.
Duchess falls kinda flat, but could stiill totally kick 007's butt
By Mo Harker
I wasn't sure what to expect with this book in terms of storyline and structure. I had hopes for the humor since I'm a big fan of the show, and I can't imagine anyone who doesn't know of the show buying this book. The really cool thing is that the author(s?) managed to capture Archer's voice so completely that you could hear him while reading it. At least I could, and H. Jon Benjamin has one of the all time best voices. That makes it quite enjoyable and takes it to another level when we have those moments that are very Archer being Archer.
The pluses are that Archer does drops some history on you, in terms not just of the show and it's characters, but of the history of espionage. Which is another nice tie into the show since they love to drop in historical and obscure references and trivia. There are lots of nice little touches about the character in terms of his motivations, thought process, history and little things that tie into the show. There are also several genuinely funny moments and rants from the mostly self proclaimed world's greatest secret agent.
The minuses are that there is definately some very real padding in terms of things like the drink recipes, how to pronounce certain words and things like how to properly order a meal. And while it didn't feel like it was trying too hard, thankfully, there are times the humor falls kinda flat. It just seemed somehow like the writer felt kinda lost and trapped by the structure in moments. I know "Archer" makes a joke towards the end of the book about padding it to reach the required contractural minimum but it kinda felt true too at the same time, as if the author of the book wasn't sure what to do or where to go.
It's a book I wanted to love but ultimately didn't. I like it well enough, but I don't love it. It was honestly very funny in places and I would find myself laughing out loud. There are things that are very much in line with the humor of the show. But Archer is at his best when he has people to bounce off of, and it's not just himself going unchecked. Also because I feel they didn't want to get locked into canon, there is a lot left unsaid in terms of Archer's history and characterization, so that they had the option to develop it later on in the show. While I like the book, it really felt as though an Archer book should have come later on as the TV series had gotten older, as to both tie more into the show and expand on it. I do hope a real Archer autobiography does happen down the road, since I think it could be extremely funny if done right.
This one though is very much as the title states a how to according to Archer, vs anything remotely linear in storytelling. Which is fine, and makes it a quick read (super quick read) and something you can put down and come back to without feeling lost. Good bathroom or doctors office choice to pass the time, in that regard.
I do recommend the book, but to be honest, I'd say wait for it to go on sale or grab it from the library. It's not a MUST for fans of the show, thought it's a nice addition and I think most fans will find something of worth in it. When it's good, it's good, when it's not, it's not painful or awful, it's just kinda meh. I would say it's definitely a book you want to be in the right mood for to read it, versus a book that will pull you out of a bad mood. It's lighthearted and fluffy with our favorite egotistical mama's boy, but for me is still lacking.
I'd really rather give it 3 and a half stars, but of course amazon doesn't do halves, so I felt generous and rounded up.
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